It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is
great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!
I've been arrested for bein the ugliest person in Britain, can u cum down the police
station and show them it's a mistake?
Clouds r white but the sky is blue,monkey like u should b kept in the zoo, dont get
angry ull find me there too,not in the cage but laughing at u. ha! ha! ha
A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted
glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!
i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it
cost me an arm and a leg!
Hi i am dying to c u, i want to talk to u seriously, but I cant get 2 u, dis stupid
gatekeeper is asking me 4 a ticket to enter the zoo!
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm
missin the joker!!
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without
ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won
a toaster
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody
home." I went over. Nobody was home
At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking
coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all
things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U
jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again
Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u
drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get
Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !".
it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...
MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy
EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??
Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat
reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!
Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ
IT BACKWARDS!!
Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone-
your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!
This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat
for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!
A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny
G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!
HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN
IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*
Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u
will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!
if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!
I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls
wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to
get out of the mailbox!
This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously
sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience
Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also
in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!
I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.
I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION
Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk...
Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?
You’re Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind &
Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!
Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face &
uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!
Ure so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice
puts me in a slumber.oh damn im sorry i have the wrong number
NEWS FLASH: The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say
they have nothing to go on.
NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the
other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.
*NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex
life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!
*NEWSFLASH* A woman was found dead in her home 2day!She was discoverd
in her bath tub which was filled with milk & conflakes.the police suspect a cerial killer!
*NEWSFLASH* Police r lookin 4 a suspect whos smart sexy witty & very gorgeous-
they've already eliminated u from the enquiry (where do you think i shood hide?)
NEWFLASH tell all ur female m8s dat u can get 1000 tampons for £1.No strings
attacthed but 4 limited period.Its a bloody good deal!
I'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was
positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss
im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me
"possession of good looks".i'm doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me
out-so hurry up!
i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public
with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my
bedroom
I've been arrested for bein the ugliest person in Britain, can u cum
down the police station and show them it's a mistake?
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say "they
have nothing to go on."
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other
was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.
4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout
at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy
can get a good lookin dog!
3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like
2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen
ur cat chases after birds!
Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have
lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1 a better model cums
on the market!
Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur
mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on
accessories for dem!
Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice
ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r
constantly full of crap
5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still
work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me
d early bird!
If a big fat man creeps into your bedroom one night and stuffs you into a bag,
Then do not worry 'cause I told Santa I wanted you for christmas!
Smilin is infexous u catch it lik d flu.wen sum1 smild at me 2day i startd smilin
2.now im infectd iv sent it thru dis txt.so now ur smiling who wil it go2 next?
Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate.2 have & 2 hold.4 dirty
quotes or saucy jokes.in text messaging & in poor signal.til low battery do us part?
girls are like phones. we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong
button u'll be disconnected!
A good friend is like a good bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents
u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!
THE NHS REGRETS TO INFORM U THAT UR BIRTH WAS AN ACCIDENT.PLEASE
REPORT TO UR NEAREST HOSPITAL TO BE PUT DOWN.WE APOLOGISE 4 ANY
INCONVINIENCE
Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines,
Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the
next 12 months!!!!
why do i text u? its my choice its my way of sayin dat i remembr u. why do i
remembr u? il neva know its not my choice its my hearts.
Last nite I lay in bed looking at the stars- the beautiful sky and the endless
horizon....& suddenly I thought...where on earth is my roof?
If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me. If u save it thats bcoz u desire
me & if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me. So what u gonna do with IT?
Theres an urgent meeting in the jungle! Everyones there.. lions, tigers, cheetas
and ape, but the meetin cant start because the monkey is reading this text
God made butter god made cheese god made you for me to squeeze god made
whiskey god made pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!
friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true
warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse
(_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
8 qualities of a PERFECT boyfriend... Brave,Intelligent, Gentle,Polite, Energetic,
Non-alcoholic, Industrious, Self-organised. In short, B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S.
He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since
he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have
a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone
except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday.
Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
I think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!!
I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it,
you cuddled me instead
baby i have an addiction problem.people say i shud go to rehab but i always tell
them i dont wanna go cause im addicted to ... YOU
Luv is a sensation dat is caused by temptation.a boy puts his location in a girls
destination.do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?
I like your style- I like your class- but most of all i like your arse!
Do you like maths?if so add a bed subtract ur clothes divide your legs and
we can multiply!
I'm like a rubrix cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.
I want triplets You want twins.Lets get in bed and see who wins!
Of all the babes ur my selection.please dont giv me a rejection.my teeth are
clean for ur Inspection so giv my mouth a tongue injection!
If your right leg was thanksgiving and Your left leg was Christmas could I
meet U between the holidays?
north 2 north south 2south my best direction is mouth 2mouth
Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a
flat so how the damn do i know.
Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now
they have a son.
Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned
it into nylon
Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it
spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!
I was nervous at first, it was big & long &went straight up, Ihad to try it... i eased myself
onto it & i liked it! i went up & down on it, i love escalators now
From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue
feels, the way u tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!!
He came 2 me 1 nite... explored my body... licked- sucked- swallowed & had his fill...
wen satisfied he left... I was hurt... DAMN MOSQUITO
In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think
of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because
I am hungry.
Someday u may lose ur hair.u may lose ur teeth- ur money & even lose ur mind.But
1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks.coz u cant lose wot u don't have!
I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!
It goes in dry it comes out wet.the longer its in the stronger it gets.we can have it in bed
just you and me...its not what you think its a cup of tea!
Last nite i wantd u.needed u so badly dat it hurt.wantd 2 taste u.i wantd u in me so u could
work ur magic on me...but i couldnt find u.u stupid.. PARACETAMOL!
At 1st a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick.i suck & munch my liquid lunch & den i swallow
quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?
Tell me.is it going in?..yeah ..is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurtin ..ok i wil put it in
slowly ..stil hurtin..ahh yeh ..den lets try d other shoe madam
Last nite i coodnt sleep.i wantd u warm against my skin.i wantd u on me.i wantd 2 feel
u all over my body.. but i coodnt find u!Where did i put my PYJAMAS?
I luv the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creatin a creamy foamy liquid, as it thrust
in & out up& down, can't wait til nxt time I LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH
come here.take off ur pants and get on top of me....enjoy me until ur totally satisfied
lovingly urs TOILET!!!!
I luv u- I luv u- I luv u almighty,I wish ur pyjamas were close to me nighty.Dont be
mistaken.now dont be mislead I mean on the clothesline and not in my bed
Wen i look at the sun i c u!wen i look at the moon i c u!wen i look at the sea I c u...
well get out of my way!
Jelly Baby goes 2 the Dr & says "Dr i've got aids" Dr replys "U cant have aids ur
a jelly Baby" Jelly Baby says "yes but Dr i've been sleepin wiv ALLSORTS!
A man go for blood test.nurse took his finger blood sample but cant find cotton.So
she sucks his finger! He is so happy n he asks:"Can i get a urine test also?"
A woman standin nude,looks in the bedroom mirror n says 2 her husband, "i look
horrible, fat & ugly.pay me a compliment", her husband den replies "ur eyesight's
spot on!"
A boy n girl r dancin @ a Disco. dey kiss n stop instantly.d girl says 2 d boy “r u a
mechanic?” d boy says“no y” d girl says“well get ya hands frm under my mini”
chicken and egg in bed,chicken has head on pillow smoking.Egg rolls over annoyed
saying"i guess we answered that question"
A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz
every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!
Little Girl:"Mommy I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a
peanut" Mommy:"u mean its small?"Little Girl:"No its salty"
an essex girl has a car crash and an ambulance arrives.the paramedic asks 'how
many fingers have i got up?'the girl replies- oh no i think im paralised too
do u believe in love at first site or do i have to walk by again!
Are you Jamaican? Because ur Jamaican me crazy!!!
I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
if i said u had a hot body would u hold it against me
im really good at algerbra but am having trouble getting your digit
Is ur dad an alien cuz u are outta this world?
can i have a pic of u coz i wana show santa wot i wnt 4 xmas!
My magical watch says you aren't wearing any underwear!
Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.
"r ur legs tired"? coz uve been runnin through my mined all day
i've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?
have you got a plaster? Because Ihurt my knee falling for you
how much does a polar bear weigh?well its enough to break the ice my name is Paul.
if i cood re arrange da alphabet i wood put u and i together
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away
Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the
grand prize is a night with me!
ive lost my teddy bear.......do u want to sleep with me tonight?
have you got a plaster? because i hurt my knee falling for you
is your father a robber? well who stole the stars and put them in ure eyes ?
U gotta B a parking ticket or something coz u got the word FINE written All over ya!
you must be a good theif cuz you've stole my heart
im no fred flintstone but i'll make ur bedrock
Do you like raisins? How about a date?
HERE'S 10p GO AND PHONE YER MAM AND TELL HER YOU WOAN'T BECOMING HOME
TONITE!
Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes!
sorry i can't talk 2 u any more, the doctor told me i'm diabetic and i cant stand
sweet things like u
If you want a carrot, its yours. If you want 24 carrots, keep on walking lady!!
Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a couple of lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A: A great place to start.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: If u laid all the lawyers in the world end 2 end, how far would dey reach?
A: Into the pocket of the next one.
Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: Theyre both squirmy,both live in slime,& only 1 in 250 million
accomplishes anything worthwhile.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other
What sexual position do you have to be in to make the most ugliest kid?…. ask your parents
What 2 things in the air can make a girl pregnant? HER FEET
A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?" So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these!"
Wots da closest thing to a womans period? ur salary! It cums once a month.lasts About 3 or 4 days & if it doesnt cum every1s in trouble!
Old chinese proverb says "man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok"
Virginity is like a balloon one prick and it's gone forever!
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop you can't stop!!
